Has He left me?

You know how they say that the way you view your parents reflects the way you view God? At least, that’s what I’ve been told. I have pondered this a lot. I’ve mulled it over and over in my head wondering how true or false this is. Nine times out of ten I’ve found this is actually true as much as I wish it wasn’t.

A couple of days ago, I was on my way to Adoration. (For those of you not familiar with what it is, it’s basically a special time of prayer where, we as Catholics, believe that Christ is really present in the Blessed Sacrament). To be honest, I didn’t really feel like going. It was half an hour away and it was late and to be honest I wanted to stay at home, but there was also stuff going on with my family where I preferred to be out. So, nevertheless, I went.

On my way there, I was thinking about this correlation. The dynamic within my family was highlighted in my mind. And it wasn’t a positive one. It dawned on me that before leaving the house I had avoided eye contact with my dad even as I said goodbye. Why? I remember praying and asking God - Why? Why do I react like this around my dad? Why can’t I look him in the eye? It’s not like I’m guilty of doing something wrong. And then it dawned on me so clearly.

I was afraid I’d look into his eyes and find something that would hurt me. I was scared he would mock me thinking it was funny or that there would be disappointment written in his eyes. So, I avoided it. It would hurt me even more to see that.

More memories sprung to mind. Of being hurt by a different family member and my dad being absent. Either he hadn’t done anything or he hadn’t been present when it happened. Abandonment. That’s the kind of pain that felt so heavy on my heart.

What made me burst into tears was the realization that in a similar way, I was scared that God was the same. That He would do those exact same things. That when I most desperately needed Him, He would only show up to provide with the bare necessities. That the excitement of my hopes and dreams was too insignificant for Someone as Great as He. Why would He care? What made me so special to believe that those longings within my heart were important to Him?

I was even more terrified to realize that time and time again, I had continued believing that He had left me. It wasn’t even a conscious thought. It was written in the small whispers of well, maybe this time I failed at my grades, friendships, etc. because it wasn’t in His Will. When in reality it was a voice speaking from abandonment. One that was trying to understand why He would “leave” me but excuse it with the easiest excuse I could come up with. In my subconscious was written “well He’s only providing the bare necessities, never mind that you really cared about that project, those friends, and that fallen-hope of a crush”.

So, what am I trying to tell you with this story? Look into your heart and question yourself. Look up to God and ask Him. Why? Why do I believe that of You? He’s ready to listen. He’s ready to take those hard questions that you’re wrestling with. Sometimes it’s us who cannot muster the courage to ask them or listen to the answer.

Know that I’m praying for you!