I let him go

I can’t believe I’m actually here - writing this.

To be honest, I was so sure that I would never talk about this incident ever again. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and very vulnerable. Not many people know how this affected me, but it really shaped the way I thought of myself as a young woman.

A long time ago… and I mean… a long time ago in my lifetime, I became close friends with a male friend. It was a beautiful friendship. One in which I was affirmed for who I was and felt protected, loved, and seen in a way I had never experienced in my life. Unfortunately, after about three years, it all fell apart. I never heard from him again. I, honestly, felt humiliated and so so very confused. I was sure that we had cared about each other. Definitely not in a romantic way, but in a way that could only be understood back then. For me, it was a hopeful friendship, one that I wondered if it would ever develop into something more.

It’s funny because I used to tell this story and be overwhelmed with the feelings from back then but now I don’t feel those heart wrenching feelings. Why?

Let me back track a little and first explain how I prayed for this person. Not knowing what to do, what to think, how to feel, who to blame, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed for anyone else as hard. I prayed for this person… not for weeks… not for months… not for semesters… but for years. Years! There would be different months where I would mostly forget about it, but then something would happen that would trigger those memories. And I was back to square one.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with my counselor and suddenly began talking about these memories. She asked if I had done anything to let him go. I explained everything I had done. From journal writing to praying, it all seemed futile. These memories would come back up and I would find myself crying. She then suggested that I write him a letter.

So, I wrote that letter. I expressed all my frustration, gratitude, and anger in that letter. I wrote of the beautiful memories I had, but also the hurt of his silence and lies. As I was finishing it, I remember thinking how am I supposed to finish this? What am I supposed to say? I’m not in love with him. At this point, I don’t even know him. What should I say?

I continued writing and as I was closing the letter, it dawned on me what I had needed to say from the very beginning. What my heart had not fully allowed to happen. I wrote the words I forgive you.

Guys, I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like a chain fell from my heart. It snapped and there was a confidence within me that hadn’t been there before.

What did I do with the letter? I burned it. I didn’t think he actually needed to read the letter. It was more for me than it was for him. As I watched it burn, I was filled with a sense of it’s done. I finally let him go.

I let him go and I’m more than okay.

If you relate to this, I just want to know that I’m praying for you <3 I’ve been there. For so freaking long. Want to know exactly how long? 10 years. That’s right. I was a kid and it affected me for such a long time. You can do it. Your emotions that you feel, I get them. I know how they hurt after so much time. They’re real even if you dismiss them as “but that was so long ago, I shouldn’t be feeling this way”. Some of us, can just love that much :)

Praying for you always <3