Is there something wrong with me?

Today I feel like being much more vulnerable with you all than I usually am.

When it comes to social media, I don’t like to share super personal information about myself, my past, or those close to me because you never know who can get ahold of that information. I definitely prefer to share it in person, but today I feel particularly inspired to talk about something that some of you might relate to. I’m nervous, not gonna lie :) And yes, it has to do with romantic relationships.

Most of you may or may not know that I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before. I’ve never been asked out and I most certainly have never been on a date. That is not to say that I’ve never fallen in love (which is a long story for another day) There are many times where I feel imposter syndrome especially with the kind of work I’m so passionate about doing. Who am I to tell others what true love is and how to expect to be treated in a relationship if I’ve never been in one? But Our Lord has shown me that I don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to know what true love is. Maybe one day He’ll show me the right person, but the time is not now.

Now, on the flip side there are the insecurities that pop up when I linger too much on the “why-have-I-never-been-in-a-relationship” question. These are the thoughts that I feel inspired to share with you today. I’ll start with a story.

Several years ago, I met someone who lived out his faith and who he was, so fully, that it was contagious. His deep love of God and those around him drew me to him. He never shied away from sharing his faith and went above and beyond in serving others. The conversations we had were so intentional even though I didn’t know him super well. He made me feel seen - really seen. It was a very vulnerable spot to be in. I began going out of my way to avoid him because I was afraid he’d know how I was beginning to feel. I didn’t think he’d be interested in me and had heard rumors that there was someone else. One day, I ran into him (yes, even though I was trying so hard to run in the other direction without being too obvious about it). He asked me how I was doing and I answered honestly. It was in his reply where my perspective of God changed for the better. I remember he gave me a hug and we both went on our own ways. The interaction shook me so hard that I prayed and prayed and prayed about it. It was becoming increasingly difficult to interact with him, as well. Several weeks went by and I breathed in a sigh of relief knowing that I probably wouldn’t be seeing him again.

But I did see him again - many months later and by that time he was pursuing a calling towards the priesthood. (If you’re not familiar with this, it’s where a Catholic man decides to give his life for Christ by becoming a priest to serve a Catholic Church without having a family of their own. It takes many many many years of preparation and requires sacrifice.) I was happy for him. I really was. But a tiny piece of my heart broke because just like this situation, I had lived through so many others.

I was never the one chosen. I was always the kid sister, the sister-friend, the friend of the interest, the intimidating one, the too mature one, the strange one. Never the chosen one. Which all spiraled to the question: Is there something wrong with me? Am I missing something? How come my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged, married, and having children? Am I just not meant to ever be in a relationship?

It becomes increasingly difficult to comfort yourself with the thought Maybe next time when each next time brings about the same thing. Deep in my heart I know that my worth doesn’t change depending on who does or doesn’t like me. At all. Ever. So, why does it still hurt? Because we are made to love and be loved. We are attracted to love and those who live their lives honestly and pursuing goodness tend to be some of the most attractive people out there. It’s no wonder that I was so drawn to him.

The craziest part about all of this was that I was able to have a conversation with him after everything had happened. I confessed that I had been praying for him and he had been on my heart. And guess what he said? That I had been coming to his mind and he had been praying for me as well.

I remember being so stunned, like I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what that even meant because from my perspective, everything I had ever felt and seen was so incredibly one-sided I had a sneaking suspicion he didn’t even know I existed.

Now, most of my experiences didn’t have a positive ending like this, but my biggest comfort has been that no matter what I do, where I go, and who I meet, I always want to be myself.

So, no. There’s nothing wrong with me. I am just waiting for the right person to come along and love me for who I am. Not a “different” version of myself, but as me with all my quirks, hobbies, and strange humor.

Until then, I’ll continue working on what I love and strengthening my relationship with the One who is Love.

Praying for you all, especially those who have felt the frustration of not being chosen <3