Rejected

By the time you read this, several weeks will have gone by since this happened.

I don’t know exactly how to quite put into words the frustration and the betrayal that comes with experiencing a rejection. It can be either great or small - important to many or not that important to them. In the end, rejection is a feeling that no one wants to experience, no matter what.

I got rejected, but by a job that I so desperately believed was for me. I had a certainty that this job, that I was banking so much of my future for, would be the one that I would obtain. I didn’t even realize how much I wanted the job until they told me today - a few weeks after the second interview - that they had moved on with a different candidate.

I desperately tried to squelch the betrayal, hurt, and anger I could only aim at God because I didn’t know where it went wrong. The second interview ended well. In fact, I could see that the hiring manager was hopeful I would obtain the job. It had bolstered my hope only to discover that it had been in vain.

So, what did I do after receiving the news? I went to the chapel and cried my heart out. Why did it feel like I had put my trust in God only to be disappointed? I looked at Him and said I trusted You! I trusted You with my hope, my future, and look where that got me? I shouldn’t have ever believed you would pull through! Is this where you want me? Is this how you want to see me - crying and hurting? It feels like my heart is bleeding out. I trusted You!

Harsh words, aren’t they? But it was the rawest and truest words that came to mind because I felt so dang deeply betrayed. This job had been exactly what I wanted. Yes, a voice whispered that maybe it wasn’t meant for me. Maybe it was better this way. But for one pure selfish moment I wanted to grieve and express just how deeply it had hurt me. I knew in my head that He was right, but my heart cried a different story. One that felt loss and abandonment in that moment.

So, then I asked Him: What am I supposed to do now? I feel like I've lost my sense of purpose. What do you want me to do? I sobbed looking at Him. And it was in the quiet recesses of my heart that I heard him so clearly say Look up, child. And I did, to look into the eyes of the resurrected Christ. I have come to give you hope, He said. But it’s so hard, I protested. What do you want me to do? And in that stillness of that moment I heard Him say, Write. Write about your frustration. Write what you feel. For it is there that I have given you purpose. I couldn’t quite believe the words. Writing isn’t something I have thought about doing full-time or even career-wise no matter how much I wish.

An image came to mind then. The Father’s hands were gently lifting my chin and brushing away the thick tears that wouldn’t stop rolling down my face. He swept me into an embrace so fierce and whole as I continued to cry. Through the doubts and frustrations and angry words hurled at Him, I saw Him silence it all with a gust of strong wind and the words I LOVE YOU!

I know, I know, I replied through tears, Show me how to love You because I still feel so hurt and I’m so confused… and I-I can’t say it back.

My tears slowly subsided, my mind fell into quiet rest, and I closed my eyes for several long moments. Finally, I got up and when I walked away, I still felt an empty sadness. An hour later, I was finally able to talk to Him again and say, I love You, Daddy.

Now, as I’m sitting on the couch in my parent’s living room, I feel much calmer but the dull ache is still there. The temptation to begin overthinking everything again is still there. I am trying - so desperately - to hold onto the hand of Him who carries me when I have no more strength. Today is one of those days where I can envision clinging desperately to His embrace. I can’t do it alone. I can’t. If I do, I fear I may sink into despair and never come out.

I’m praying for each and every one of you who have experienced any form of rejection <3