Blind Trust

This semester has been of blind trust. Trust that everything is going to be okay and that God will provide.

Over the past year, I have seen Him take away the wealth He had given me and place me back in my parents’ home. If you don’t know this already, it is one of the last places that I wanted to be. My family has a history of mental health and - to say the least - it has always been difficult to return for more than one reason.

I love my family so so much, please don’t get that wrong, but no family is perfect no matter how they may appear. This year I felt so incredibly humbled. The controlling side of me didn’t want to return, it wanted to fight tooth and nail to live on my own. But there was always a quiet voice that whispered and nudged me back. I decided to trust. Trust that I would one day return to living on my own and handling my own problems.

So, did it happen? No. Not at all.

But Our Lord did not abandon me. Even as I saw my bank account slowly drain until I could not make personal purchases. Even as jealousy wanted to cry because my sister and mom were working enough to buy themselves pretty things. Even as my dad lost his job and made me rethink my relationship with him. Even as my little sister began to heavily rely on me. Even as I began slacking on my writing because I felt no inspiration to continue writing because I felt stuck.

He did not abandon me. And I continued to pray because I felt so blind. I couldn’t - can’t - see where He’s leading me. I try and try and wait and wait and still I receive no job offers. I wake up each day wondering how in the world am I going to live my life with purpose. I found myself taking care of so many household responsibilities and they began to build resentment. That was not a place I wanted to be in. Yet, there were days where I felt so exhausted for no apparent reason where I would just cry.

Through friends, family, and prayer, I found Him telling me. Trust me. I have something so much better waiting for you. It takes courage to grasp hold of that voice and believe it when everything that one sees is the complete opposite.

But guess what? Today I woke up with the certainty that God provides. He is doing it for my siblings, so how will He not do it for me? Last week I ran out of funds… and today I was working on a project when I received a completely random payment from an app who had entered a lawsuit and was splitting its settlement among its users.

My jaw dropped and I began laughing because I could not believe the weirdness and rightness of it.

Do I now know where I’m going? Not even in the slightest, but I will try to be courageous enough to trust in Him.

Praying for you always <3